Tuesday, January 1, 2013

My theme for 2013...He's got this!

Trusting God should be easy.  I mean...he created the world and everything in it, so shouldn't I be able to trust a God who is as big as that?  What about the fact that he knows how many hairs are in my head?  And, what about the realization that He knows all things and He is everywhere?

So, why do I have trouble at times just sitting back and letting Him do the work, rather than pressing on and trying to do it on my own?  In reality, it's because I want things my way and when I want it!  I don't always want to wait for Him to work out the details.

I have wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember.  I don't actually remember when the desire came, or where it come from.  I used to show pictures to Roger of children that were available for adoption and ask, "What do you think of this one?  Don't you think we should adopt her?"  He would shrug his shoulders and say, "I just don't think the time is right."  I would pout, and sometimes cry, and on the inside I was stomping my feet like a toddler.

Then, there was Nana.  Oh, she was SO beautiful.  Gorgeous light brown hair.  Huge blue eyes. Two years old.  One of the cutest little girls I had ever seen.  She lived in the Republic of Georgia (That's close to Russia for those who have never heard of it!).  She had an extra chromosome...which resulted in Down Syndrome.  She needed a mom and a dad.  Roger agreed!

We wanted to adopt her, but when the adoption agency asked for more information they were told that she had just been taken by a foster family.  My heart sank.  She would have no special services.  She would never be offered a job.  She would never be accepted in her community.

Then, there was this beatiful little dark haired, brown-eyed little girl...also in R of G. Miriam.  She was four.  She also had Down Syndrome.  We decided to take two weeks to pray about adopting her and prayed, specifically, that God would provide her a family in those two weeks if it were not to be us.  A week later a family had committed to adopt her.  During the process of her adoption the doors were closed to adoption, and as far as I know she was never adopted.

Then, there was Martine.  A sweet little 8 month old baby girl with the prettiest chocolate colored skin and beautiful black, curly hair, and BIG brown eyes.  She also had Down Syndrome.  She needed heart surgery desperately.  She lived in Haiti.  We already had 3 children at the time, so we were refused her adoption.  At that time Haiti had very strict rules on the size of a family adopting.  Even then, our family was too big.  Thankfully, Martine was brought to the USA on a special Visa shortly after we were denied, her pediatric nurse fell in love with her, and she was adopted.

Are you seeing a pattern?  I am!  I pressed on.  I pressed forward.  I wanted to adopt...NOW!  God continued closing the door.

Over the years I have nagged, persuaded, groaned, pouted, and tried to back my husband into a corner.  He isn't against adoption, but it isn't his passion.  I laid many guilt trips on him...or at least tried to.  "God tells us to care for the orphans and we are doing nothing."  "This is a wonderful, godly thing to do...why should we wait when these children are waiting?"

I heard many times..."You can't save them all."  "We need to be careful because we don't know what we are going to get.  We need to think of our other children."  "I don't see how we could ever pay for it."  And, trust me, I had comebacks for every excuse he could come up with!

About a month and a half ago we began discussing adoption again.  It didn't go well.  I pouted for days.  I was frustrated.  I was hurt.  Why couldn't he see things my way?!  Why is he making all of these excuses?

And then, God began to do a big work in me.  The truth hurts when the truth is sin revealed.  I was being so selfish.  I wasn't trusting God about adoption, and I certainly wasn't trusting Roger with this decision.  I was truly backing him into a corner.  I felt like it was my turn to persue my passion!  Goodness, it wreaks of pride and selfishness, doesn't it?

Finally, after all these years (seven, to be exact!) I relented.  Finally, I said, "I get it, God!  You are waiting to bring our children to us...when it is the right time for our family, and the right time for the children who are meant to be loved by us...you will bring them home.  I trust You. Finally.  And, if we never adopt..I will still love You and trust You."  And this was God's response to me..."I've got this."  No, it wasn't an audible voice, but it was His message to me.

Next, I went to Roger and asked his forgiveness for my behavior.  I told him that I trust him because I know he trusts God.  I let him know that I have left this in God's hands, and prayed that God would show him who we are to adopt.  I was so sorry for the way I had treated him.

A few days later, Roger came to me and told me we would go over our budget and find a way to set money aside monthly into an adoption account, so we will have the money available when God brings us our child/ren.  We talked about leaving this in God's hands and being willing when God moved.  He told me to get the word "out there" that we are willing and would like to adopt if anyone knew of any situations that may arise.

Two days later I got a check in the mail for $50.  I thought it was a mistake, so I called my friend and told her it was not necessary to send me the money because it was a gift I had sent her.  She said, "My husband felt very strongly that we should send you the money.  We didn't know why God wanted us to do this until I read your facebook status yesterday about you being willing to adopt. I'm not telling you to use it for adoption, but I wonder if that's why God wanted us to send it."  I could not believe it!  I knew that money was to be our first deposit into our adoption account.

I have no idea what God's plans are for us this year.  Will it include more children in our home?  Possibly.  I kind of hope so!  If not, that is okay, too.  We are open to what God has for us. I hope He finds us to be vessels He can use in some way for His glory.  We have even talked about opening our home to an un-wed mother if needed.  I feel like God has big plans for our future.  Now, I just have to sit back and watch Him work...because...He's got this!  Thankfully so. 

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