Monday, October 31, 2011

Pregnancy woes

I am not one to complain when it comes to pregnancy.  Even when I puke for months!  I feel blessed each time I get pregnant.  I have friends with fertility issues, so complaining about being pregnant seems very selfish to me.
This post is more for me to look back on in the future and see where I remember.  It is also to help anyone else who has felt this way, feels this way, or will feel this way in the know they are not alone.

This pregnancy is, by far, the most difficult.  I made a comment on facebook recently that I felt like I was going through post partum depression...and I haven't even had the baby yet!  Thankfully, others chimed in and said that it is absolutely possible to have depression during pregnancy. 

This is what it feels like...
moody, beyond belief...about nothing...and the same time
crying...over nothing...and the same time
anger...over nothing...and the same time
completely overwhelmed...over nothing...and the same time
absolutely intolerant...over nothing..and the same time
feeling like I need to get away from everything and everyone and curl up in a ball until I feel better

It's kind of like the very worst in me is right at the surface.  It is not the typical me.  It is not me at all.  I don't know who this person is.  She comes and goes.  She was here with a vengeance this weekend.  She seems to have taken a vacation today at the moment.

I studied Psychology in college.  It still fascinates me.  Maybe even more now.  I knew depression was real.  I knew it could be chemically imposed.  Hormonally imposed.  I have a new compassion for those who suffer from depression.  I understand the feeling.  The feeling of it being completely "out of control."  You cannot talk yourself out of it.

In the will be worth it.  It always is.

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